christmas 2009

It feels really weird to not be celebrating Christmas with my family this year.  There is a stack of gifts sitting in my dining room that won’t be opened today…they will wait until I can get home again.  I don’t know…I think being single and being away from your family is harder than being married and being away from them.  As a single person you have no family – you’re just on your own.  I guess that’s why they call it ‘single’ because there’s one.  When you’re married you have family close by.  Then again I’ve never been married so I don’t really know.  I do know today is different for me.  Right now my family is watching my nieces and nephew open gifts and go crazy over the things they are receiving today.   Wrapping paper is all over the living room by now and everyone is having a great time with each other.

This year Christmas is different for me.

It’s the first time in my 33 years that I have been on my own for Christmas…well at least with no family close by.  I will spend part of the day with a family from church and I am really looking forward to that – still it’s just not the same as being with family.  Don’t take this as a complaint because it’s not.  I knew when i went into ministry that eventually I would miss Christmas with my family – I just always thought I would at least be with my own family…but God’s timing is perfect – even in singleness.

We got a huge snow and my drive was drifted in.  I went out to start my snow blower this morning and it was frozen up and wouldn’t start.  A little while after that I received a text from a friend that said, “I have tractor…on my way.”  It was a great surprise to see the picture below a little bit ago.  It’s good to know there are some who are willing to lend a hand when it’s needed.

my respose to singleness…

I wrote a post a few days ago on how my singleness hit me like a ton of bricks one night last week while I was driving home from working out.  I have had some really good discussions from it.  Both through my blog and through email – even a few in person.  So I thought I would do a post on my response to singleness.

Right now I’m really enjoying my singleness.  Do I have a desire to be married with kids someday?  Sure I do – but I have come to the realization that it will happen when God is ready for it to happen for me.  I’m ok with being single.  Last Wednesday night completely caught me by surprise.  I wasn’t ready for it and didn’t see it coming.  My post wasn’t aimed at anything in all honesty.  It wasn’t a response to anything besides my desire and what was frustration last Wednesday night.  I’m really ok with where I am at.

Singleness is a gift and a curse all wrapped up in one.  As singles there are times we really love being single and there are times we really don’t.  The thing about singleness is that it’s not about us.  It’s completely about God and what he wants for us.  God will call some of us to be single and some of us to be married.  For those of us he calls to be single it’s not because he’s punishing us – it’s just that he knows we’re more effective for him single than we would be married.  We have to come to a place where we are comfortable with that.  Honestly I’m there.

On the whole attraction thing.  Attraction comes in various forms.  It isn’t based solely in the physical appearance of a person at all.  Someone can be unattractive physically by the worlds standards but yet be attractive becuase of their walk with Christ.  For me when I first meet a girl who is attractive physically I pray and ask God to make her unattractive to me until I get to know her for who she is in Christ.  I know it sounds odd but when you find the true beauty of a person in their identity with Christ the beauty they hold is far more beautiful than anything that a physical attraction can bring.  Does that mean I don’t ind girls attractive physically?  Not at all – but it does help me keep things in check.  The physical aspect does play a part in why I am back to working out and trying to get into shape again.  I’m doing it more for me but I know it will also help down the road in relationships.  It is superficial but it is what it is.  I have to struggle through these things myself and I’m not void of them.

I like the freedom singleness brings but at the same time I look forward to a day to have a spouse who fully supports me in the ministry I have.  I look forward to someone cheering me on and vice versa.  I’m not focused on it though.  God will work how he chooses when he chooses to.  I know that.  I’ve been through enough and have seen God do enough really amazing things to know that he can make anything happen – and he will because he is God!  He can do that.

I’m reminded of Pauls words in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34,

” I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him.  But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife.  His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit.  But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.”

I want to be concerned about God’s work and what he wants me to do.  I need it to be a discipline of my life.  I don’t want anything to take away from that.  Granted Paul isn’t trying to say marriage is bad at all.  He’s just pointing out the obvious.  There are so many more things to be concerned about in a marriage with a family.  Right now I get to be concerned about God’s work and his will for me with little or no interruption – for the most part.  I’m ok with that.

One resource that I found a year or two ago is Boundless.  Boundless is an online singles resource and ministry of Focus on the Family.  Don’t let that fool you – it is incredible.  So much wisdom and the articles are not cheesy.  I absolutely love it.  It’s helping me to become a better man who is striving to be Godly as well.  Don’t get me wrong while I’m content with where I am at in my singleness – I am currently studying and reading books on becoming a better man both in my relationship with God, others and yes – even girls.  Right now I’m reading Elisabeth Elilliot’s ‘The Mark of a Man: Following Christ’s Example of Masculinity.’ It has been a great book and is really stretching me.

I’m in a good spot and I do have some amazing friends and I tell them that.  Sometimes I think they think I’m odd for telling them that – but it is what it is.  I like to give verbal encouragement.  I guess that’s my love language.

I love where I’m at.  I love chasing God.  I’m really in a good spot.

boundless: behind the mask

I read the blog over at Boundless.  It’s really good and it’s geared towards single people who are college aged- 35ish.  It’s got some great insight in the articles that are online.  If I’m not wrong – I think it’s the digital form of the actual magazine.  No scratch that – it’s actually a webzine.  Anyway today I read their article Behind The Mask which is about  community.  It’s good stuff.  Here’s a clip

Knowing another person is a fearsome proposition. When I meet someone new, he’s already been living for years on a screwed-up planet. What bruises has he picked up along the way? I’ve formed the beginning of relationships only to discover people were clingy addicts or incorrigible gossips … and I had no idea at first. It’s enough to make me afraid to shake hands after church.

Being known means revealing your own scars from 20-odd years of wading through life. You’re opening yourself up to rejection on a deeper level than those junior high insults when people said your Mama dressed you funny. The eighth-grade clowns could only pick on your looks. If a person knows you, he has power to stomp your dreams.

So most of us crave intimacy at the same time we’re running from it, and who can blame us? We’ve tried to be more open and gotten ignored in return. We figured church might to be a safe place to build relationships, then found out most “Life Groups” should be called “Pretending-I’ve-Got-My-Life-Together Groups.” If you share your real prayer requests, you’ll earn three super-spiritual lectures and a rumor that you’re a prideful doubter.

singleness baggage

I am 32 now. The one thing I want at this point in life is to settle down with the woman God has for me. Someday I’ll find her. The thing is I am extremely insecure. Talking to girls doesn’t come naturally easy for me. My stomach gets tied up in knots and I feel like I’m going to hurl. So often I try to not have to talk to them. I know – it’s not the best way to meet a girl. It’s something I am working on and it doesn’t come easy. The thing about finding someone now is that I am 32. I like where I am at in life. I have also created a lot of baggage for myself over the years. Stuff I’m not proud of – but stuff that God has pulled me through and often kicking and screaming all the way through it.

I was reading an article on the Boundless website today and it really resonated with me. It talks about the baggage we accumulate as singles and how we do with it versus how we should. It’s a great article. Here’s a clip;

Last month I turned 30.

This wasn’t a painful milestone for me. The Lord has richly blessed my 20s. His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is deeper than I could have imagined at 21.

An old friend called me on my birthday to wish me a happy one. Though we no longer share the same biblical worldview, he and I are at a similar spot in life — early 30s, unmarried. We used to attend the same youth group, and one time we almost went golfing on a date. (My parents decided against it at the last moment.)

As my friend and I talked and reminisced our conversation fell to our single plight (deep down we all want things like marriage and family). “It used to be really simple,” my friend said with a laugh. By “it” he meant establishing a romantic relationship. (He was engaged his senior year of college, but it fell through.)

“Now I’ve lost confidence in my ability to choose,” he said. “I know how I am. I know all these things about myself, and I know what won’t work for me. I almost know too much about myself.”

I knew exactly what he meant. In the eight years since college, I’ve accumulated more than a house full of photographs, furniture and dishes that aren’t plastic — I’ve developed a fairly complex identity. And honestly, finding someone who’s a fit seems like a much more difficult task than it used to.